change of heart? :) :( <3

major propz for my momma for welcoming me w/ in-n-out tonight but i’m totally missin pburgh.

so what happens when i’m not in class? i’m thinking about frivolous things and sleeping ALL day. for example, i’ll wake up at 10am, take a shower, and then go back to sleep. i’ll wake up at 4,eat, take a walk around the block, come back, and then go back to sleep. i’ve been trying to wave off my caffeine dependence, but if i don’t have a cup, i’ll just continue sleeping.

tomorrow i leave for ca. dare i say it, but i’m going to miss it here. why? because i got to experience pburgh outside of the heinz context and i enjoy it. i like hanging out w/ my friends in a stress-free environment and there are so many people that i’m going to miss. let’s say heinz was my ‘abductor’ (although i did choose to go here on my own free will) and now i’m suffering from stockholm syndrome. yes.  on the other hand, i’m trading in pburgh for in-n-out and del taco. YUM.

so long, pittsburgh see you in aug

this is what i’m doing

& today i looked at my pnc account and said ‘fuck.’ i’m moving out early so that i don’t have to worry about three months of rent. this means i’m definitely going back to ca…internship-less.

i’m confident my life is consisting of me making my niche and accommodating my soul to this world. i work really hard to ‘make it in life’– at the same time decreasing the amount of creativity, fluidity, and flexibility that i desire. it’s the dilemma that most pseudo-intellectuals find themselves in and it’s one i obsess over constantly. i just finished reading lisa’s e-mail and i sensed the true free spirit in her. it was something along the lines of “i feel like i’m connected with everyone” and that she reflects about thailand’s history while building adobe houses for people and painting murals on bar walls. f.

& what am i doing?

preggerz

“I get no feeling whatever from the thought of bearing children” – Women In Love, DH Lawrence (one of my favorite books- ever)

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I could not think of anything worse. I don’t know why I decided to carry this person’s baby but I did. I can’t give birth. I won’t push around a stroller. It was…creepy. I can respect women who can do this but this dream seemed too real and I was not ready for being in labor. I am so glad I’m not preggerz.

new york

a pictorial of what i plan on doing

shrek the musical! recommended by: florian

i’m going to hail ben bailey’s cab and earn some ca$h! with joel, jessica, and steph in the car we’re bound to go for the double or nothing video clue

franklin lloyd wright’s guggenheim

a couple nights out here

and insert lots of good food here. because there isn’t any in pittsburgh.

p-a

i’m working on my passive-aggressive traits. yes, i’m extremely annoyed when others around me display similar behavior- i’m just convinced that i’ve ‘tricked’ people into accepting my passivity (word?).  maybe i’ve even accepted it myself. maybe i just reinvented p-a. no, i can’t be that cool.

i’m mentally checked out for the week… intentional inefficiency?

i’m going to dc from th-fri then off to ny for a mini ‘09 reunion. i have to think of a tagline for the ny trip. J,J,S,S- i can’t wait to see your faces.

& (i miss my family: biological and non-biological)

heart,

L

i hate life

“although i’m sort of afraid of what i’m getting myself into, i feel more assured that i’ll be doing great things once i finish.”

-see post 06/10/08

really? because i hate my life everyday. i don’t have class till 1:30 this mini, but each morning proves to be a struggle when it comes to getting up. i am miserable.

aside from some of the people, i’m not attached to this program, this school, or even pittsburgh. i miss being in a metropolitan city, being surrounded by multiculturalism, and the fast-paced life. right now i’m surrounded by burgeoning yuppies hoping to capitalize on their academic success. yesterday, just yesterday, i called a spreadsheet i created an asshole. i called a non-living thing an asshole. i can’t believe for one second i humanized a spreadsheet and then proceeded to dehumanize it. i’m at an all-time low. past history shows that i’m results-driven- but it also shows i need to clearly recognize the benefits of these results. have i expanded my intellect? i hope so. the few instances where i was actually engaged in my work- i hope that was sincere, but i can’t remember- i’m too angst-ridden. should i have worked before returning to grad school? probably. it’s all sunk costs from now on and my mother would disown me if i dropped out, but don’t think i haven’t seriously contemplated the idea- because i almost drafted an e-mail to our program director and lamented about said misery, misanthropy, etc. my happy face is on between the hours of noon-10pm. afterwards, all bets are off- my face is probably buried into a pillow.

everything in moderation

happy new year. there’s a new reuter’s blog discussing whether people feel optomistic about 2009. i don’t. i’m really starting to divulge myself in the nitty gritty of the global financial crisis and i’m not looking forward to the next couple of months. i received a few good links from a friend and learned more about how the economy has been in the hands of black market derivatives exchangers and the officials who helped foster this period of hyper-trading and at the same time equated regulation with ‘wearing the same clothes you were as a boy’- phil gramm (equally a sexist comment). i am still holding to the overzealous-ibanking-fratbro theory since it is more than relevant to what is currently happening. there needs to be more transparent oversight as well as records of all transactions. further, there needs to be a variety of viewpoints in the offices of the SEC, treasury, and the fed. alternative viewpoints always need to be encouraged and every effort to avoid groupthink must be exhausted!

holidayz

i guess i’ll revive you, wordpress. so i made it through my first quarter of grad school, barely. ok maybe i had some breath to spare thanks to the overkill of the first half. i didn’t care nearly as hard as i did in the beginning so i had some leeway coming into finals. except with database of course. i justified my lack of effort by confidently proclaiming that access will never be a vital function in my future career. i look to stand correct of course.

i’m not a christmas person. i stopped interest when i pinpointed my disgust in american consumerism. at the same time, doesn’t the current american economy need abject materialism to survive? alternatively, how about just increasing transparency when it comes to securities fraud and eliminating d-bags like madoff from operating similar schemes. anyways, gifts aren’t cool, and people probably won’t like 99% of what they get anyway, even kiddies! i’m not a scrooge, in fact, the one routine-christmassy thing i do enjoy is watching it’s a wonderful life- by myself.

merry christmas- i hope you have energy-saving lights instead of those cheap bastards exploding with aritificalness on your front lawns, recycle your gift wrap- better yet, use recycled paper for gift wrapping and be appreciative for what you have, not what you didn’t get :p

i’ll write more about how ‘productive’ i’ve been this break later

before sunset

jesse went back to vienna.