i hate life

“although i’m sort of afraid of what i’m getting myself into, i feel more assured that i’ll be doing great things once i finish.”

-see post 06/10/08

really? because i hate my life everyday. i don’t have class till 1:30 this mini, but each morning proves to be a struggle when it comes to getting up. i am miserable.

aside from some of the people, i’m not attached to this program, this school, or even pittsburgh. i miss being in a metropolitan city, being surrounded by multiculturalism, and the fast-paced life. right now i’m surrounded by burgeoning yuppies hoping to capitalize on their academic success. yesterday, just yesterday, i called a spreadsheet i created an asshole. i called a non-living thing an asshole. i can’t believe for one second i humanized a spreadsheet and then proceeded to dehumanize it. i’m at an all-time low. past history shows that i’m results-driven- but it also shows i need to clearly recognize the benefits of these results. have i expanded my intellect? i hope so. the few instances where i was actually engaged in my work- i hope that was sincere, but i can’t remember- i’m too angst-ridden. should i have worked before returning to grad school? probably. it’s all sunk costs from now on and my mother would disown me if i dropped out, but don’t think i haven’t seriously contemplated the idea- because i almost drafted an e-mail to our program director and lamented about said misery, misanthropy, etc. my happy face is on between the hours of noon-10pm. afterwards, all bets are off- my face is probably buried into a pillow.