change of heart? :) :( <3

major propz for my momma for welcoming me w/ in-n-out tonight but i’m totally missin pburgh.

so what happens when i’m not in class? i’m thinking about frivolous things and sleeping ALL day. for example, i’ll wake up at 10am, take a shower, and then go back to sleep. i’ll wake up at 4,eat, take a walk around the block, come back, and then go back to sleep. i’ve been trying to wave off my caffeine dependence, but if i don’t have a cup, i’ll just continue sleeping.

tomorrow i leave for ca. dare i say it, but i’m going to miss it here. why? because i got to experience pburgh outside of the heinz context and i enjoy it. i like hanging out w/ my friends in a stress-free environment and there are so many people that i’m going to miss. let’s say heinz was my ‘abductor’ (although i did choose to go here on my own free will) and now i’m suffering from stockholm syndrome. yes.  on the other hand, i’m trading in pburgh for in-n-out and del taco. YUM.

so long, pittsburgh see you in aug

this is what i’m doing

& today i looked at my pnc account and said ‘fuck.’ i’m moving out early so that i don’t have to worry about three months of rent. this means i’m definitely going back to ca…internship-less.

i’m confident my life is consisting of me making my niche and accommodating my soul to this world. i work really hard to ‘make it in life’– at the same time decreasing the amount of creativity, fluidity, and flexibility that i desire. it’s the dilemma that most pseudo-intellectuals find themselves in and it’s one i obsess over constantly. i just finished reading lisa’s e-mail and i sensed the true free spirit in her. it was something along the lines of “i feel like i’m connected with everyone” and that she reflects about thailand’s history while building adobe houses for people and painting murals on bar walls. f.

& what am i doing?

p-a

i’m working on my passive-aggressive traits. yes, i’m extremely annoyed when others around me display similar behavior- i’m just convinced that i’ve ‘tricked’ people into accepting my passivity (word?).  maybe i’ve even accepted it myself. maybe i just reinvented p-a. no, i can’t be that cool.

i’m mentally checked out for the week… intentional inefficiency?

i’m going to dc from th-fri then off to ny for a mini ‘09 reunion. i have to think of a tagline for the ny trip. J,J,S,S- i can’t wait to see your faces.

& (i miss my family: biological and non-biological)

heart,

L

i hate life

“although i’m sort of afraid of what i’m getting myself into, i feel more assured that i’ll be doing great things once i finish.”

-see post 06/10/08

really? because i hate my life everyday. i don’t have class till 1:30 this mini, but each morning proves to be a struggle when it comes to getting up. i am miserable.

aside from some of the people, i’m not attached to this program, this school, or even pittsburgh. i miss being in a metropolitan city, being surrounded by multiculturalism, and the fast-paced life. right now i’m surrounded by burgeoning yuppies hoping to capitalize on their academic success. yesterday, just yesterday, i called a spreadsheet i created an asshole. i called a non-living thing an asshole. i can’t believe for one second i humanized a spreadsheet and then proceeded to dehumanize it. i’m at an all-time low. past history shows that i’m results-driven- but it also shows i need to clearly recognize the benefits of these results. have i expanded my intellect? i hope so. the few instances where i was actually engaged in my work- i hope that was sincere, but i can’t remember- i’m too angst-ridden. should i have worked before returning to grad school? probably. it’s all sunk costs from now on and my mother would disown me if i dropped out, but don’t think i haven’t seriously contemplated the idea- because i almost drafted an e-mail to our program director and lamented about said misery, misanthropy, etc. my happy face is on between the hours of noon-10pm. afterwards, all bets are off- my face is probably buried into a pillow.

semi-private public post

.

cmu

as the moving date approaches, i’m becoming more anxious about my transition to pittsburgh. today i spoke with a professor who completed his masters AND phD at the heinz school. it was relieving to finally speak with someone, no less a professor at uci, about cmu and pittsburgh life in general. although i’m sort of afraid of what i’m getting myself into, i feel more assured that i’ll be doing great things once i finish. it is really worth it for me to hear that i’m going to hate my first year and probably want to quit, but the payoff in the end will provide financial stability and the marketability to enter a job i would actually like. of course this is probably something i should have figured out on my own, but repetition in this case is most likely necessary. indeed, it is just another testament to why i didn’t choose to go to law school. i’m ready to be quantitatively-oriented!

changechangechangechange

it definitely isn’t fox news, but even in their implicit attempts- over the past couple months cnn has projected their inherent favoritism for barack obama. cnn has invited ‘clinton’ supporters to be interviewed on the show but even these commentators have complimented the senator from illinois. without reluctance, i will also share my own admiration for the former con law professor, but that goes with mentioning the media comparisons with hillary. during bush’s appearance in africa, i think cnn purposefully sought out african ‘fishmongers’ to declare their approval of barack’s presidential nomination. in the same segment, there is also video highlighting the “anyone but hillary” effort which included the image of a shirt that says mrs. clinton is a crybaby.

today’s population is more moronic than ever with people pledging their allegiance to obama’s sound bytes of uniting america. people are sick of the partisan bickering and although both candidates tout their ability to work with both sides, it’s not going to be an easy thing. independents are disillusioned if they believe the nation will not continue to be divisive after an obama victory. i’m only picking on the independents because they are the ones who seem to flock to the obama camp. bipartisanship comes with compromises and many of these arrangements are going to jeopardize core democratic values. i guess we can’t have our cake and eat it afterall- this may be one of the implications of diplomacy but i’m already looking forward to bush’s last day in office (refer to my attending status on the fbook event) and hoping this country will take some ambitious progressive steps, like universal health care (re: hillary).

kaba modern!

we don’t have a football team but we have america’s BEST dance crew

while flipping through mtv last week, i caught a replay of randy jackson’s new show, america’s best dance crew and was pleasantly surprised to see uci’s own kaba modern. i watched the whole show and they can definitely beat out the competition.”zot! zot!”

hottest dudes

this is what i resort to doing instead of finishing the remaining essays for my harvard grad school app

i swear i’m not superficial…

final count: 2 europeans, 1 american. europe wins, again.